Last week I was on such a high after going to a couple of the Miami Music Week events. I let loose, allowed myself to eat things I don’t normally eat. I was happy and lively, some might even describe it as euphoric. Then on Sunday I crashed — I was in such a bad mood. Easily agitated, tired and didn’t want to think about anything that might be good for me. That’s kind of the cycle it seems; I rise a little bit over baseline, have a bit too much fun, and then crater, for a week or two or longer.
The week went by and I didn’t make it to the gym day after day because we were working on wedding planning. Then we took a trip to Charleston to go househunting and that turned out to be more than I could handle. I was feeling so down on myself which in turn made me really defensive about everything over the weekend. The househunting just reminded me of how little I feel I have accomplished in the six years since graduating law school. I thought that I could barely provide for myself let alone could provide for a future family was more than I could bear. I felt like a failure.
I probably wouldn’t have gotten so down on myself if I had been working out regularly and hadn’t strayed from my routine. And maybe if I hadn’t eaten so many foods that I know cause me inflammation I might have been able to think straight. Or maybe not. Maybe this setback was necessary to point out to me areas that I still need to work on.
For instance, I’m still really uncertain about what I want to do career-wise. While we were in Charleston quite a few people brought up questions about my law practice and knowing people that were attorneys and could probably help me get a job in the legal field there. They were trying to be nice and helpful but all the discussions just gave me so much anxiety. The idea of going back to a traditional law firm just makes me queasy, even though I’m sure the firms in Charleston have much better work-life balance than in Miami. I just don’t know if that’s my actual calling anymore.
If I can be really honest with you all, I would love it if this blog did better. I’ve had so many feel-good moments as a result of this blog when some of you have reached out to let me know you’ve related to something I’ve written about. Really that’s why I started writing about my own experiences, however, embarrassing they may seem to me, in the hopes that maybe someone else out there won’t feel so alone or will learn a way out of it from my own experience.
Anyway, having been out there looking at homes now, I realize that I’m going to need to keep working at some high level, doing something for the foreseeable future. Which worries me because we’d like to start on our family soon and I’m not sure I’m okay with the idea of someone else spending more time with my kids than I do. But I guess it may have to come to that to you know, pay the bills. Yes, the thoughts are just compounding the problem.
For the sake of this blog’s health, I probably should have written something with a little bit more commercial appeal but I felt I had to share this setback with you all. Life happens and it’s really messy at times. There’s a lot of faltering that can happen even when you have all the shiny pieces of paper. Don’t feel bad if you stumble like I do, just dust yourself off and keep walking. If you have a blog maybe write about it. It’s a cathartic experience.
Let me know in the comments if you’ve had any recent experiences with self-doubt or mood swings. Also, let me know what you did to overcome them and if you find that keeping a routine helps you. I’m easing back into niceties with myself today so hopefully, I’ll feel at full strength tomorrow to move around. Stay tuned on my instagram for further updates.
I appreciate you all for reading this one…sending light your way.