2020: What the *bleep* am I Doing?

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I had a blog post I was going to publish on January 1st filled with the usual ‘I’m going to crush this year’-stuff. I didn’t publish it because that’s not actually how I feel at the start of this New Year. I am so profoundly tired, more tired than I ever felt when I worked 70 hour weeks preparing for trial as an attorney, more tired than I ever was after pulling all-nighters in law school, and definitely more tired than I ever was during my clubbing days. The difference right now is that I’m doing something that actually fulfills me. Unfortunately, fulfillment doesn’t always pay the bills. So I start this New Year, happy in a lot of ways, but very tired and feeling displeased with other things.

He’s kept me going all these months.

Most bloggers are going to present solutions or show you their highlights. I could do that but that would be lying. I am just barely keeping my head above water and for whatever reason, everything I try to do to get ahead falls through. So I am worried about how we’re going to make ends meet. And I’m worried about my health. But I can’t seem to get a plan together, which is strange for me because I used to be a prolific planner. I wish being a Mom was enough but we’re not quite at a position yet where I can do that.

Putting on a brave face but wishing I’d shrink back down to who I used to be.

It’s times like these I wish my Mom was around. The last five months without her have been hard. She was always the voice of optimism when I felt like giving up. She always told me I was capable and smart. Without her encouragement, I’m left wondering if those things were ever true at all.

There’s a lot I do want  and need to do this year:

  • I want to make this blog fiscally self-sufficient. In the last 6 months, this blog has made $1.18 better than nothing but it isn’t going to cover the cost of renewals that are coming up in a couple months.
  • I need to get in shape for my own well-being and also if I want to give Rigel a sibling sooner rather than later. I’m so annoyed that I’ve held on to 20 pounds that just won’t budge for all these months.
  • I need to find a way to contribute to the household financially while being able to stay at home with Rigel.
  • I need to reconnect with my husband to bring back the spontaneity and fun into our relationship.
  • I want to be less worried about everything. This one might require a personality transplant.
  • Get back on pace to finish my MBA this year.

I just want to do better and feel like I am working to my greatest potential. Hopefully, that means wearing something other than pajamas all day long.

If anyone out there has any advice or has felt the same way after becoming a new Mom let me know in the comments.

Wishing us all a productive 2020,

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Author: Grace G.

New Mom and Retired Lawyer trying to share the ride.

4 thoughts

  1. I was you in this post years ago. My boys are 11 and 8 now…my 11 year old didn’t sleep through the night until he was 2. My husband and I were so far apart mentally, due to the exhaustion. I was not working and would not get dressed until 5…oh those days.

    I wish I could say that it was one thing that turned it around for me. It wasn’t. I made a decision that regardless of my fatigue I was going to start acting like I was going to work and getting up, showering, and getting ready for the day. I used the website flylady to help me with my routines. I took St. John’s wort to help with my depression (I still take it to this day, but please check with your doctor).

    I hope you can find some light in these days. Wishing you hope and peace!

    1. Thank you for taking the time to leave me a comment. Some days are harder than others. I have in the last couple of weeks endeavored to create a routine for myself. There’s still not a lot in it beyond getting dressed and putting a little something on my face but it’s a start. It’s nice to know however that there is light at the end of the tunnel. A little hope can get you so far, thank you again for providing me some!

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