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I woke up devastated this morning. At the very moment I opened my eyes and awoke to my new reality, I started to cry. I’ve never started a day in tears but this loss is unlike any I have ever felt.
After I left his apartment key on the kitchen counter I drove home a sobbing mess. As I barrelled down the highway I implored God to explain to me why this was happening. I begged him for forgiveness for any moments I took my Love for granted. And I pleaded with him to guide me out of this nightmare. I wondered why God had made me the way he did. Occassionally sullen. And then suddenly peppy. Charming but so comfortable alone. Enchanting but so insecure. Intelligent but so unfocused. I thought “if you’d only healed me I wouldn’t be homeless now” but I’m not homeless. I only feel that way because my home is not a place but a person and he doesn’t want me anymore.
When I got home I immediately went to the scriptures for comfort. Had this happened in my early to mid 20s I might have done something drastic or destructive. Instead, I opened up one of my devotionals and I read it. I was still crying. My tears dripping down onto the page as I tried hopelessly to wrap my mind around what had happened. “God please help me” I muttered as I read.
That’s when I came across this bible verse: “Let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions” (1 John 3:18 NLT). God answers us in all sorts of ways, through his word, through a song, through a friend who calls unexpectedly. He’s always listening and he’s looking and just waiting for us to ask him for help. After the bible verse I came aross this article – How To Truly Love Your Spouse. While the title may say spouse the wisdom it holds is applicable even when you’re dating.
In this article the author proceeds to make the case that love is not a feeling but a decision you make. “With the help of God I’m going to do everything I can to enhance the life of my [partner].” You act with love enough and you end up feeling in love. Combine enough acts of love and before you know it that person is your soulmate.
The man I love is not always easy to love. But for the past eight months I have tried to love him in the best way I know how. I have supported his endeavours and been optimistic through difficulties. I’ve been a cheerleader and even a chastiser. I’ve been a maid and a shoulder to lean on. I’ve been patient when my nature told me to act differently. I’ve stoodfast when my brain told me to run. I don’t write these things because I’m looking for any award. I write them so that those of you out there who may be struggling with love realize that love isn’t about comfort and it isn’t perfect. It’s a choice you make to try the best your earthly mind and body can to love another human being the way God loves us. And it is hard! But every moment of it is worth it. To know that the two of you together acting with love can enhance the life of the other.
There are things I absolutely would never have done had I not met my Love. I’m a better person today because I got to love him. The idea that I will never again get to make him a meal or help with him with a project or watch Star Trek Voyager with him kills me. But I don’t know what else I can do because while I may love him, I can’t force him to make the same decision I made. That’s something he has to do on his own. What I can do is pray. Pray that God guides him, takes care of him while I am away, and blesses him.
If anyone else out there is going through a difficult time with love I recommend you watch this sermon about 4 things that destroy relationships – The Mole. It will really help you to identify things that may be damaging your relationship and hopefully with God’s help, lead to ways of rectifying it so you can live a long happy life with your soul mate.
I wish you all lots of love. Remember God is love. And if God is love he will always be on the side of love. Whatever may be pulling you apart is not from Heaven but from a dark place. Don’t give up. Continue to be kind. And ask God to change you in the ways that you may need to change to better love your beloved.