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If writing is a muscle then mine is atrophied. It started the first-year of law school. I walked into that legal writing class with a mind formatted for creativity and exited it reformatted into Wonder Bread toast. I used to write stories like it was breathing. I can’t finish a story now to save my life. I loved telling stories. Pouring my pain on the page of a childhood where my value felt linked to my academic achievement. Get the A, get noticed, get the new toy, get the trip. Be perfect, it’s what’s expected.
Did what I was told. But I’m a terrible lawyer. Maybe an okay mediator and a pretty good researcher. This realization broke me. I’m not good at something and my whole worth my entire life has been based on being good on things. My brain is now burnt toast. I can’t write. The feelings and the stories sit in my brain stacked on top of each other like all the objects I bought trying to will myself out of depression. Who am I if I’m not this piece of paper I got 12 years ago? A Mother? I don’t do that well either. A housewife? Have you seen my house?
All I wanted to do was write but if no one ever reads what I write, am I even a writer? Are you only something if someone else acknowledges it? Years with this blog and it’s barely grown. Is it because people don’t read or is it because people don’t read what I write? If I were to stop writing on this blog what would I have and who would I be? Someone’s mother and someone’s wife. Why do I need to be more than that?
You tell me that these doubts are just part of my mental illness but I know I’m not a good lawyer. I thought I was a good writer, maybe thinking that was the mental illness.
I don’t know what will happen to the blog. Given the nature of how my mental struggles work I’m sure in a couple of weeks I’ll be optimistic again and ready to conquer the world. If only it was acceptable to work in 6 week spurts. If only the things people are interested in reading didn’t dredge up so much pain and failure.
Introspection,
Just like you I’ve been rethinking this blog thing. I completely understand where you are coming from. I’m in a masters program. I’m working, recently completed internship and full time student. This has taken the joy and love from writing for fun. While chasing school for that last 2 years I have let some other things go including my blog and I dont know what direction my blog will go in. I’m hoping when this school thing is done I can return to writing for the love of it. You can re-think and re-brand when you are ready. You’re correct many people don’t read any more but your blog is a anchor for you. You can add a youtube channel or podcast to your blog which keeps people checking out your blog and a place people can always find you. Good luck on your next steps.
Hi Jen…firstly thanks for stopping by and reading my rambling post. Although I wish you weren’t also struggling with inspiration for your blog it’s reassuring to know that this experience I’m having isn’t isolated to me. Wanting to share experiences of some of the hard things was what initially motivated me to start my blog, so it’s good to see that it still might have the ability to bring people together in that respect. Motherhood for a while has dominated my thoughts and therefore my content but I think since I’ve been even doubting my abilities there it’s made it harder to want to share. And fitness oh goodness, that needs a rebuild too. I did start a YouTube channel in ’22 right before I found out I was pregnant with my second and then paused because I started to wonder if showing my kids was what I wanted to do. So I’m thinking and started journaling again to see if a rekindle a fire for something. I wish you luck with your journey too. Masters programs are hard but hopefully you’re almost done and the light is at the end of the tunnel.