I’m back from the Darkside: How the Last Quarter of the Year Messed with my Head

The last three months of 2017 had me all in my feelings. And those feelings were dark as heck and soaked in guilt. I was feeling guilty about being down in the dumps because I’d just gotten engaged and I was planning my wedding, so I should be happy…right? RIGHT?!! I wasn’t. I was feeling incredibly sensitive to everyone’s opinion of me. Thoughts of not being pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough, ran through my mind constantly. I didn’t feel like I was making enough money. I was beginning to feel like I wouldn’t make a very good wife. And I became paralyzed. I didn’t want to write. I didn’t want to work out. I didn’t want to plan my wedding. I just wanted to disappear. It was a dark cold place.

In the darkness…sitting on the bay side of Miami Beach.

Those who are in to astrology said,”oh this is just Saturn’s final test before it leaves Sagittarius.” For the last three years it’s felt like constant butt-kickings from this celestial body. Totaled cars, lost jobs, one step forward two steps back. Gain weight after a lifetime as a skinny-mini. Become unable to lose said weight. What else but the Universe could be responsible for such mayhem!? I was absolutely ready to take the Death Star to Saturn.

The last straw was a little over three weeks ago. I was dropping Isaac off at the airport. He was worried about me like a good fiancé. He suggested that I really needed to work on losing the weight I’d gained because I seemed really unhappy about it. It cut me deep. I thought he was calling me fat! He wasn’t. He wanted me to be healthy and full of energy like I used to be. But my summer mission to lose the weight had failed and I had no idea what to do to actually get the weight off and keep it off for longer than a day.

I got to thinking about energy as I drove back home from the airport. And I thought, energy in and energy out. I have no idea what this engine actually needs to run; maybe I’m overfilling the tank, even if those foods are nutritious too much of them can still lead to weight gain. So I thought, I’d get a fitness tracker. I ended up getting an Apple Watch after considering all the trackers out on the market. A $400 investment in myself. I downloaded My Fitness Pal. I set my goal to weigh 120 lbs. I was weighing 133lbs when I started. I went back to the gym. For the six days that Isaac was away on interviews I worked out everyday. I learned about the food I was eating and how much energy was actually in it. I learned about my basal metabolic rate. I learned how much energy I burn when I work out.

Making breakthroughs on the Smith Machine. Thanks Youfit!

Starting a cut during the holidays seems crazy to a lot of people. I think it’s the perfect time to start a cut because if you can resist eating a whole tray of Grandma’s cookies you can resist anything. So far, I’ve lost 4lbs and haven’t slipped up. I’ve had burgers and pizza just being mindful of the energy I need for the day. My energy is back up. Today I even fit into a pair of jeans that I haven’t worn in six months. Most importantly though, I’m feeling like myself again .

Feeling cute again!

Sure Saturn left Sagittarius yesterday but I like to think it’s because I’m taking care of myself. I’m also feeling that old Grace ambition that has been missing all these years. I want to accomplish lots of things, even if it’s not necessarily in the legal sphere. Expect to hear more from me about all sorts of things, not just fitness and living well. Stay tuned and thanks for not giving up on me!

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Author: realgraceshines

Just a writer stuck in a lawyer's body.

4 thoughts

  1. Hi Grace! I’m so happy to hear things are starting to turn around for you. When I gained a bit of unexpected weight during my freshman year of college, it changed my life completely. I too started to have the worst thoughts, thinking everyone and anyone was judging me or “out to get me.” Reading that your fiancé (and congratulations!) was supportive yet honest with you was really awesome. It wasn’t until my boyfriend called me out for being unhappy or “not myself” that I really understood my problem. I just wanted to assure you in that you are not alone. Gaining unexpected weight, trying to grasp nutrition (or what you should or should not be eating), and getting to know your body is a really difficult and kind of scary thing. I wish you all the best in the future and I hope to read more of your updates soon!

    Like

    1. Aw thank you so much for your sweet words. It’s been actually really fun for me to learn about calories and I kinda treat it like a game (how much food can I stuff on a plate and still be at my target for the meal). Expect more things up on the blog in 2018. Maybe even some wedding updates and advice (gosh learning so much). But I’m making much more progress this time around than I did over the summer so I’m hopeful.

      Liked by 1 person

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